Young-ish introvert guy here. It’s definitely getting harder and harder over time. IMO the big problem is that nowadays, people don’t need to learn to communicate. And so many people never learn. There’s too many interesting things to do while you lock yourself away in your house. In the past, even introverts had to learn to communicate. What else were they going to do? Sit and stare at the wall?

What’s the solution? Well, you have to be more deliberate with your time and effort. You need to learn to communicate, so learn to communicate. My rule of thumb is that, on average, you need to spend at least half of your waking day outside. Whether for work, or hobby, or shopping, etc. - being outside for any reason is infinitely more useful for socializing than staying indoors.

Also, don’t stagnate. It’s very easy to get comfortable with what you’ve been doing and to keep doing what you’ve been doing. Again, be deliberate about how you choose to spend your time. Pick up new skills. Learn new hobbies. Try out new restaurants. Explore a bit. The more you learn, the better you get at learning. Become well-rounded, knowledgeable, cultured.

Find a hobby you’re interested in if you don’t have one already. Find a group in your area that meets up to discuss or engage in that hobby in person. Make friends with the people in that group by just existing around them and talking about your shared interest. Maybe one of those friendships turns into a relationship, maybe not.

Don’t think of the people there as potential partners but as people you like spending time with and genuinely enjoy being around. If one of those friendships has mutual attraction and becomes a partnership, that’s great! If not, you’ll probably meet other people through them and maybe one of those will turn into a relationship.

Examples of hobbies for introverts that provide more structure for interaction and can have limited talking if needed:

• Boardgames / dueling card games like Netrunner / tabletop roleplaying games
• Pinball
• Video games fighting games or speed running communities are more widespread for in person events
• Book clubs
• Hiking, rolling skating, skateboarding, tennis, pickleball, basketball, soccer, bicycling, running, or swimming if you want to get some exercise

My wife is an introvert. It took 7 years of very innocent twice a year meeting at camp and someone else shoving us together for us to think about becoming an item. Been married for 8 years now (together for 13). Sometimes these things just happen. Top tip is not to try too hard.

This might sound pedantic, but actually makes a big difference, mentally.

Introvert refers more to how you mentally recharge, rather than interactions. An introvert requires time alone to recharge, an extrovert needs time around people. Your more likely socially anxious, and possibly mentally underdeveloped for socialising.

By locking down where the problem actually is, it helps you figure out how to counter it. Social anxiety is quite common, with viable treatment methods. Social skills are learnt. You get them by practice. It’s a problem that is common for autistics, so the info from those corners of the internet could be helpful, even if you aren’t autistic.

Met online through a hobby-oriented platform (not social media, not dating sites). Neither of us where actively looking for a partner at that time, so there was no pressure to perform, no expectations, everything just flowed (and if it hadn’t, that would’ve been OK too, at least at that point hehe). It took a bit over a year of one thing leading to another.

I’ve read some advice here that sort of matches that pattern, and by personal experience I’d say it works.

I dated around until I was so heartbroken and fed up, I took an intentional full year off. I focused on my friendships and family. I stuck my toe back in when I was 32.

Met my forever love on plenty of fish in 2019. I thought he was super nerdy, our first conversations were just about his cat. I had actually just became an accidental owner of my first kitty myself, so we chatted about our kitties and metal music that first day. He never was crude, he never sexted at me, he never pushed himself physically at me, he was just sweet

After about four weeks of texting all day everyday we met up. We went for a walk, and I was comfortable enough to go back to his place where we smoked weed and we talked for 6 hours. We then hung out after he got off work, and my kid went to sleep, 3-4 times a week. We’d hug goodbye and those hugs reset my soul. After about three weeks of that, he texted me after he left my house on night, “I wish I kissed you”. And next time I saw him we did. He still never pushed for sex. I really loved this after years of being treated like an object. After hanging out for about six weeks we went on a weekend getaway near by to the shore, became officially a couple and made love the first time.

The rest is history. I met him online, we’re both introverted af and idk. He said he was ready to quit the app before I messaged him. He said, “oh lord who is this girl?”. He also never (still doesn’t) want childrenm he took a gamble with me because we got along so well. And so, we clicked. He’s my favorite asshole :)

I always remained optimistic when looking for a partner, always open to new ideas. But it was clear my partner was the type who respected women, and like I said, after years trying to find the man I thought I wanted, I found the one I needed. I had always wished I could tale the best part of my exes and sew em up into the perfect man, well, he is just that. All the best parts. He is my bestest of best friends, and I’ll cherish him until I die. He really saved my life and gave my young son and I, a real family. This matters to me more than anything. I just giggle sometimes remembering I nearly wrote him off, nearly, for being such a goober that first chat, and I’m so glad I didn’t. I even love his flaws, or what he perceives as flaws, I love them, I love him.

Optimism really was what kept me going. Plus, I’m a catch ;)

I don’t know how much the online dating scene has changed the last few years, but I wish I could tell people it’s okay if you haven’t found your partner in life yet. I know folks who didn’t meet thier partners until they were 40, I know fresh divorced 29 year olds. Like, don’t rush, let it come and gather patience, if you can, inside your heart.

i met him at work! I don’t know how long it took. I wasn’t really looking.

I think most people don’t find others just on the street or at a grocery store. I mean some people do, but it’s pretty rare. usually at jobs and through friends. volunteering is a really good way too.

A question for those who have a partner, how did you manage to do it and how long did it take?

I/We did not ‘do it’ if by that you mean deciding to meet someone to become a couple, be it for one night or for a lifetime. For us, it happened and it seems to be holding quite well after 25 years together and counting ;)

How did it happen? We were into some similar interests and we started chatting about it (online, back in the late 90s, before apps and algorithm), no dating, no nothing, just chatting about that common interest. And enjoying our conversations. One day, we decided to meet IRL as the opportunity arise and, well, it clicked. We enjoyed that time together and decided to try another time, and then a third. And then we both agreed it would be nice (and much simpler too) if we moved together.

it’s hard for me to communicate with people on the street.

You’re right, it is hard. For anyone. You probably should not do that to begin with.

I mean, one may (or may not) meet people on the street (or anywhere else) and then one may (or may not) start having a conversation with them, and then… But most of the time, people are not on the street waiting to be ‘communicated’ with, and the few that do they are probably doing it for the money.

One needs to spend time with people with whom one has some shared interest for a conversation to have a chance to get anywhere. One also needs to be ok with those person not be willing to have discussion or spend time with them as they may have other plans and/or interests. It’s ok to being told ‘no, thx’, it’s not a failure.

So, the question is mostly this: what are your hobbies and passions? Because that’s where you should try to meet other people. It helps a lot to know you have some common interest, even more so when you’re shy.

I’m an introvert

My spouse and I we’re both introverts. It would be an understatement to say I’m shy as fuck. And so is she, just worse. But it seldom is an issue for me, provided I have something to talk about with the other person. No matter how deep or thin the topic is as long as it helps me stop feeling like it’s about me (which it never is, btw) and more about whatever is the subject of our conversation. Even asking for directions or… commenting to your question ;)

As far as dating goes, no matter how unpopular this seems to be considered nowadays, I think it also helps a lot to not have expectations regarding who the other person should be (physically, morally, financially and so on), and how she should behave (the should do this and that, say this and that, think this and that). We all are different, we all have flaws. And we can all be going through some hardship, at times.

Like I said, my spouse and I have been together for 25+ years but there are still today things she does I don’t like, and people she likes I don’t like (and don’t waste my own time with). And it’s same with me. We’re not glued together, even though I’ve read Plato I don’t believe we ought to become ‘one’ as a couple. And that’s fine. We also had our fair share of issues, as a couple, and that too is fine.

In summary: being shy did not prevent me to meet girls. What did was not knowing what to talk about with them, and then my fear of being rejected. And then my expectations. The day I got rid of that fear and expectations, taking the action of meeting new people for what it truly is (an opportunity) it went better. Because it’s an opportunity to try, and maybe to fail and maybe to learn something new in the process (improving oneself), instead of not even trying and to certainly not succeed and to not learn anything new, quite the contrary: fear of action and rumination won’t help anyone grow/feel better.

edit: missing words.

Local game store. Played various rpgs with him. Boyfriend at the time dumped me. Started talking to him more. We were going to take it slow because there’s a 16 year age gap, but mother kicked me out of the house and I asked if I could stay there. He agreed. I didn’t leave.

That was almost twenty years ago.

In my mid-thirties, I decided to take some classes after work. I took an acting class because it’s not something I would have ever done. Ended up marrying someone I didn’t even know was in my class. Guess I made an impression. I was not a good actor.

I also took an art class, despite not being very good at art. Met some cool people that I kept in touch with for a while.

Take some classes, or just get out of your comfort zone. Doing something you’ve never done before, especially with other people who have never done it before, that’s when the brain is lit up and paying attention. That advice also works for dates. Go do something together that neither of you has done before. Do that multiple times in a row. 60% of the time, it works every time.

Used hinge. It’s the least bad, as of this year anyway.

Most people who use dating apps are, frankly, bad at it. People send garbage messages with garbage profiles. People half-ass it and expect the other folks to carry the whole thing. I feel like I could write a short book on how to do it better.

Condensed into like three bullet points it’s

• Ask questions. Do not dead-end the conversation and expect them to do all the work
• actually ask them out. Like, in the first conversation after you clear any must-have deal breakers (eg: if you have a kid)
• put stuff you want to talk about in your profile. Don’t be “clever” and respond to “what are you looking for?” with “my keys”. This is where you give the other person topics to talk about. (Also if you are tired of people asking about the stuff you put in your profile, change it you doofus.)

Being “an introvert” doesn’t excuse you from being present and engaged. The other person isn’t going to be that interested in someone who responds every couple hours with “lol”. If you can’t muster up the energy to have a real conversation, you aren’t ready to date.

33 years ago, we really just collided, there is no other way to describe it.

I was in the US Army and stationed at the same hospital she worked at, she brought a patient consult to my office. Two weeks later we started fucking, four months later we got married.

You don’t need to speak to people on the street. Some contact to new people would probably help. This can be done trough (more) extroverted friends of you. But it will require effort from you to be open to new people.

I went to and organised Reddit meetups. One of the people who went didn’t believe me that I’m Swedish (we were in Scotland and despite growing up in Wales I have an oddly posh English accent). She phoned her Swedish friend to catch me out, which didn’t work, much to her chagrin. Said friend demanded a photo of me as payment. We started talking a little while later and it became immediately apparent that we were a perfect match. We’ve been together for thirteen years.

Don’t go to things to meet a partner, but to build the connections that might bring you into contact with people that might be interested. In the meantime you’ll have fun (hopefully), improve your social skills, and generally avoid dying alone.

A couple decades of going to the gym and eating healthy. It eventually pays off. Might take a couple decades but hey better late than never.